King Of Carrot Flowers

I didn't get to finish reading that Tumblr post from Mercining, let alone actually begin Unholyverse, because my dad decided to come home, and I had to jump into bed before he caught me awake. And I would've just started reading them after my dad had gone to bed, like I did the last time something like this happened, but I ended up falling asleep because of how long it was taking him to go to bed. I did read a bit of Unholyverse while I was at his store, though*, even though I thought he'd be watching me like Big Brother, he just walked past me and rarely tried to glance at my phone. I had tutoring at 9:45 a.m. to do today, alongside revising my essay--but I don't wanna talk about that--and I thought I'd be able to skip this tutoring session because I'd be at my dad's store, but that wouldn't be until 2, so I still had to attend it. My mom took us out to get Burger King, and I got an Oreo ice cream sundae, and I really liked it.

We also went to Kroger, and the women there talked about my sister and I 'being sooo upset that our mom is pregnant, and we also almost shot her when she told us the news, really', like they did the last time we went. And my little brother was there... whenever he wasn't trying to run away for some god-forsaken reason. I also remember constantly reaching down to my pants to pull my shirt down, but I couldn't because it was tucked in around my sweater (I'm wearing this black v-neck on top of my blue and black stripes sweater, in case you had trouble imagining my outfit.) When we went to my dad's store, me and all my siblings immediately sat down on the orange cushions our dad had put down for us, and then he joined us. He also had this blanket that he proceeded to put over his head and attempt to take a nap. Ok.
I kind of just sat there completely still for a moment because I realized that there was no way I'd be able to read Unholyverse without my little brother, sister, or maybe even my dad if he took that blanket off his face, looking at me. So, I got up and sat on the stool my dad would usually be sitting at, because I really didn't feel like reading whatever the fuck Unholyverse has in it with my siblings.

I ate some M&MS, this little bottle of that orange juice stuff I used to really love when I was younger, and I also drank some soda, which I only had because my dad kept getting mad at me for asking for Monster. He kept making it sound like he was going to jump up from the cushions and strangle me, too; like, he was yelling at me 'no', and shit. After I had drunk the soda, I felt like I needed to throw up - and that feeling stayed with me for roughly an hour or two. It really upset my stomach and made me feel horrible. I'm pretty sure it also had something to do with me being worried about writing my essay. My dad yelling at me, and also saying he was gonna make ME watch him beat ME, weren't the reason my upset stomach. Also, he was saying the beating stuff 'cause whenever a customer came by asking for Newport cigarettes, I'd ask him for some, too. I guess he didn't like that...
I also texted him about it and he said, and I quote,

'I will cut your lips right off. It's not funny.'

If you read my entry with the whole texting bit from my dad, you'd know he doesn't usually use periods, so he intentionally added them to this text because he wanted to scare me or something. I still want Newport, though. He threatens my little brother and me with 'I'll cut your tongue off if you keep cursing!!!!', and whenever he uses it on my brother, it always ends with him crying. Which makes sense when you consider him being, y'know, 6. This isn't a reason that contributed to me feeling sick today, but my dad also made it very clear today when my sister asked him about getting a job, that he thinks that 'as a woman you don't need to go get a job cuz your dad loves you', and this stupid sexist shit only became more apparent when my little brother said something about 'but when I grow up I wanna work at your store!!!', and my dad said something about him being a boy.

If I'm being honest, spending an entire day working at the store with my dad has always sounded tiring, but now I guess I have to realize I'll never get to gain that bit of 'working experience' that I've been pretending will be so important in my life. I've got better things to focus on, anyway: reading Unholyverse and staring at my guitar instead of playing it.
That feeling like I have to throw up stuff faded away after I listened to Farmcore - Joost Klein and calmed down, and then I decided to work on the final version of my essay.
Byebye


-Zainah