King Of Carrot Flowers

Something no one speaks about when grieving is that... you still kind of feel the same things. Along with your grief. 

My father died february 13th. Funeral was the 15th, so he's freshly buried. I still scroll tiktok mindlessly, and then I still get excited and all giddy seeing edits and videos of my favorite actors, thought which is quickly interrupted by the fact that my father is dead. Then I go on ao3, I read the usual smut -- I still get very happy seeing two of my favorite characters mess around, and then, the happiness is interrupted by reminding myself my father is dead, what the fuck am I even doing just reading all this suckening and fuckening? I listen to music and dance, but then I remember: why am I dancing? I'm like a fucking orphan right now. I can't really play minecraft or the sims as per usual as the image of my dead dad in the hospital bed comes to mind again and again and again. By this point, you realize that the message is -- grief will ride alongside you even in the most awkward feelings, such as happiness, being in love, being horny, being excited... it's gonna be there breathing down your neck. And yes, despite all of this, you can still feel horny. Therapists say it's normal, to get a little lovebug or horny bug after someone you loved dies, as the body is looking for a way to release all the awful stress and masturbation and sex seem to be one way to get rid of it. Do get better coping habits than yanking your pizzle, though. Please.

Another funny thing I guess is that you will feel as if someone removed a limb off of you. Yup. I hadn't seen my dad in like a year due to our usual disputes, but even after his death, I feel empty, kind of like an orphan. There's gonna be something missing with you constantly, always, every single day until the grief is over (even though some say it never really ends.)

I feel like I lost my one last connection to the place I grew up in. This shitty little town in chile now swarmed by tourists -- I hated the place in some ways, loved it in others. And now I don't have it with me anymore, it's like it left. Forever.

Okay. It's time to register the things I do so people like, know what I enjoy doing. This year has been hard though, therapy's been what it is, and my dad died last friday -- so, lalalala. I've been consuming much more media than usual to kind of fix this empty void of tragedy.

 1. GAME OF THRONES

Amazing show, clearly made in the 2010's. While it's entertaining, the action never stops and there's genuinely not an episode I have not entirely enjoyed -- it's misogynistic. Let's admit that together. Female characters are often in screen to look sexy and/or show tits, with the exception of two or three -- and those two or three are supposed to be considered ugly or boyish by the audience. Otherwise, I am a Baratheon at heart and I love love love Tyrion and Jon. Stannis our true king.

 2. SIMS 4

Classic game. Just pirate it, though. EA is a money hungry, evil corporation that does not deserve a cent you make. Due to the recent Anadius situation, I believe you can download it from FitGirl with all mods though. I've been playing mostly occult households with eclectic characters. I don't have clear storylines for them, just aesthetics. Sims post one day?

 3. MURDERBOT

As an aroace agender being, Murderbot has been a little treat. I think it represents perfectly how I navigate the world while being so disconnected and confused about humanity, which makes Murderbot a super high kin of mine. I love his relationship with Gurathin, and ship it in really complicated ways no one can fully explain. It's not entirely romantic, but it's not fully platonic, but they are friends, although they are enemies... no name for it. I also just enjoyed the overall 'light' vibe of the show, combined with the violence it offers. Good good good.

 4. A KNIGHT OF THE SEVEN KINGDOMS

What can I say? Also a little treat! It's a short but great watch so far, and I like how it feels much more whimsical and high energy than other ASOIAF related media, which is often dark and edgy. This is more of a... hopeful adventure, as hopeful as it can get in Westeros. Lyonel Baratheon is a sweet little bite of cake to me, showing the true spirit of House Baratheon, which I am a proud member of. Daniel Ings is seriously, seriously charming. I also love the Dunk n Egg duo, as I said before, it's incredibly whimsical. No bad words about this show and I appreciate how short it is, because it does mean yearly seasons, and a story like this is not suited to be this... giant forever lasting thing like GOT once was. It's short and sweet.

 5. QUANTUM BREAK

Videogame by Remedy and Microsoft, and a so called scrapped and lost part of the Remedyverse because of legal issues with Microsoft. I'm gonna say it: this game is severely overhated. It has some narrative issues in the sense that the game can feel extremely corny at times, and the choices might feel a bit... lacking in consequence in the gameplay itself. But otherwise -- I like the tv show / videogame combination. It was very innovative for it's time, and yes, some of the acting is bad, but this was the testing part to what would later become Alan Wake 2 and it's combination of live action and game scenes. Jack as a protagonist is great, because he is both bland enough for him to be a blank slate one can project in, and charming enough he is his own person. Paul Serene as an antagonist is weak, and I believe he would have worked much better if he was not the main guy we had to take down. His love and appreciation for Jack make him feel weak, ironically, instead of making the character more complex. Otherwise: good. Give quantum break a try!

 6. FALLOUT: TV SHOW SEASON 2

This one has been divisive to me as a fan of New Vegas. The show here both spits on what New Vegas means for people by killing the kings, Undermining the NCR completely until the end, pissing on the Khans and giving us no signs of other gangs (minor or major), but the legion to me was done enough justice. The show insists now too much with the enclave being interesting when it's really not, and they're trying too hard to make the Brotherhood happen when they're not even the most interesting of factions around. On the other side, you can see they tried to do their best with New Vegas, paying attention to the soundtrack or the looks of the wastelanders or the general appearance of every place they visit. Otherwise, it bored me a little more than the last season. IT WAS NOT BAD. But it was just 'Meh' as a season. Like, yeah, it happened. Whatever. Sorry.